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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in herr_brain's LiveJournal:

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Monday, January 24th, 2005
8:15 pm
Conumdrums at their best!
Well were do I start every thing has been going pretty good. I dated a girl for a week and she ended it but didn’t. She keeps wanting to see me and go out. I have decided to stop talking to her altogether. After she ended it I went out with Val again and we have been seeing each other ever since. That has been going pretty good. We both want mostly the same things and get along well. Our long term goals are different but I think it is too soon to really worry about that. Then Trish decided she liked me. And I was starting to really feel uncomfortable with all of the attention and choices.

I didn’t know what to do then and was wondering how I could bring some sort of normalcy to my life when things got really complicated. Someone from my past called and we met up. She told me that she still loves me and wants to see me again. Except now it seems she still just wants to date and have fun with no attachment.

There was a time in my life that I was incapable of anything else. It cost me a very high price. Now I don’t think I want that and it may cost me a very high price again. Yet for some reason I do very well when that is all I want and not so well when I want more. Who am I to know what is best for me anyway?

It just seems like I should not try to become attached to one person, or anyone for that matter. Maybe I should just date a couple of people and not be attached to anyone.

The girl from my past would be the very best option if she was just ready to have a committed relationship. Maybe she is but wants to take it slow because she is unsure if we will do better this time or not. We like the same things, we have so much fun together, we have great sex, and get along so well. We communicate very differently and think differently, we want different levels of commitment. Not marriage but in dating. We have the same long term goal and interests.

She says she loves me and can’t stop thinking about me and wants to see me again. But she also says she is leaving in 3.5 months and definitely does not want me to go with her. She started seeing someone right after we broke up and told me she ended it after I said I would see her again. Is it just because she wasn’t getting what she wanted from him? From what she says and how she acts I think she missed our sex life more than our relationship, which was 97% good and 3% very bad.

Why should I quit dating someone I like and am starting to see for someone who just wants me around for a few months for sex? I love her very much, and that makes it tempting. I think I should just decide what I should do but I think right now I don’t have enough information.

It isn’t like I can tell the one who I am starting things with that I want to spend some time with another girl who I dated in the past just in case she decides she would like to become more serious but I want to keep dating her just in case she doesn’t.

And I wanted things to be less complicated. I was not comfortable with 3 girls wanting to date me and now I have 4. How in the hell and I supposed to choose. How the hell and I supposed to know if I am making the right choice. How can I be honest and remain my integrity and still see which is right? I feel like I have to make a choice now or some part of me will be compromised.
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
3:55 am
beginings
Ok well I have been on a lot of first dates and not wanted a second. Well now I have met a girl and we have seen each other every day since we have met. I hardly know her and I feel like I am head over heals in love. Ok a little perspective for the logical types, like me, I met her Fri. night and our real first date was Sat. it is now Tue. And I have seen her 4 nights in a row.

I am totally hooked and she knows it. I think her attraction to me is the same. We met at lunch today at school and she sat next to me and was close. I was scared to touch her or be close because of my X and how she wanted to keep things between us. This girl was open and had nothing to hide. ( HOW SHOULD I THINK OF THAT?) . We met again after my last class and her next, she had a gym class, we sat together and talked she has to work at 6 am and gets out of school at 10 so this was our last meeting today. I was again hesitant because of my X. None of that was there, she was there with me and had no concerns with anything else.

I am falling in love with this girl and I am learning that I was not nuts just temporally insane. Never just listen and trust. Especially when that is what is asked of you. I have learned a lesson and it was important. I am so happy that I have met someone that is so incredible that I don’t even know what to say.

I wish she were a little older but I can only take what is given to me and be the best I can be.

I think I am falling in love and I pray she is also…….
Monday, January 10th, 2005
2:52 am
life
Well I have been dating two girls for the most part. One is 27 and one is 22. For whatever reasons I haven’t really clicked with the older girl. But the 22 year old and I have a definite future.

Tonight I went on a 3rd date and had a really good time. She wanted me to come over but I declined.

I can’t stop thinking of her no matter what I do.


Our age difference tells me that it will not work out but I am optimistic. She inspires me in a way that I haven’t been in a long time. I am attracted to her in a way that I haven’t been is a long time.

She kisses me better than I have been kissed in years.

My attraction to her Is very intense.

Am I just a perv? I really like this girl and am very attracted to her innocence and conversation. When I kiss her I feel like I am in heaven.

Her age makes me wonder and question my motives. It distances me from her. Should I set that aside and just let what will will?

She is young vibrant innocent and the most beautiful woman I know. One thing I do know is that I find beauty in a complex way. I have to be interested in a woman on so many levels, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am scared to commit to another woman. I gave so much of myself and was rejected that I am scared to do that again. This is me do you like it?

I find myself reserved. Holding back. Unwilling to take big risks.

Well I finally met someone that I want to go out on a second date with. I can only hope that it is the right girl…
Sunday, December 19th, 2004
1:51 pm
are we having fun yet?
Well I had a great date with Andrea the other night. She is the Nurse. We went to the farm for dinner and she had Salmon, we sat at the bar for an hour and a half or so waiting for a table and talking. After dinner she stayed for one drink before she went home. She is very attractive, intelligent and engaging. I e-mailed her today for the first time since I saw her so I guess we will see if she wants to go out again. But at least I think she will be at the cocktail party. She had let me know earlier that she was tired and wouldn’t last long. That was fine because I went and hung out with Valerie and we had a blast. All in all it was a good B-day for me except that I am older now.

Doc Anderson had to cancel this weekend. We were going to go out on Sat night but she was on-call and fairly busy that day. She did say she would make it up to me somehow. I am a little uncertain about dating a doctor. What the hell? I don’t know I just want to go out and have a good time.

Val is funny. She tex messaged me the other night and was upset that I slept with a gf of hers when we first met. She likes me I guess but she is too young for me. She asked me to go out last night and I did. It was just sort of a bla night for me but it was ok. She tex messages me almost every night after she goes home. We flirt but not face to face it is funny. I talked to her on the phone the other night for a couple of hours after we messaged each other for an hour or so. I think we both like to flirt and like feeling liked but don’t want any more from each other. She is pretty upset about the sex thing and that is ok with me because like I said I need to date girls over 25 and she just turned 21. I don’t know what she is attracted to in me anyway there are lots of cute guys her age that like her and that try to flirt with her. She just sits next to me and talks to them but always come over and sits with me when she sees me.

Well N-Eways I have a party to plan. This is going to be a blast, every one all dressed up. Well gotta go for now.
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
1:44 am
wow
I just got a very insulting email from my X. She alluded to the fact that I make everything up and always think the worse. I have no desire to ever talk to her again nor do I miss her I wish her the very best in life. I don’t understand her now any more than I did then. I know now that what she says to me is not based in truth and i don’t know how I can think it ever was. I always doubted her sincerity because it didn’t match her behavior now she says that is because I am unstable, well that is not new it is just that she is the only one who says that. She said tell it to your counselor well I did and he thinks she is abusive and manipulative and that I was subjugated to a really bad relationship. Well I have met other girls now and have a life of my own. Funny none of my new friends have any issues with me. Funny that the two girls I am dating, because dating is all it is find me abusive. God I don’t even have trust issues with them, nor they me.

My last gf was the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I had ended it with her a long time before my emotions got involved all the signs where there I should have acted and yet I was desperate and decided not to. Live and learn.
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
11:11 pm
truth
I feel better. I was worried that since Valerie was a reg. that I would be viewed badly. I am sure I put that game to an end tonight. I have a date with a grad student from UofP and a doctor and a nurse this week. I prefer the grad student but who knows I have of yet had the first date.

I read the first couple of lines from my X journal. She is so dishonest that I worry that I trust way too much. Her end of relationship filing that she ended long ago seems to be going strong. How long was that going on before we ended I don’t know. I just can’t decide to distrust the people that I care about. God what a fool I was and am. I really loved her and every time I learn more since we have split it just gets worse and worse. She is a despicable human being. I have no idea how I loved a girl who is so deceptive and dishonest.

Well I guess I am just used to dealing with a higher class of person. I refuse to change my standing to accept a lower class of integrity.
1:24 am
life
Well what do I do? The girl I have been hanging out with is a flake and now she wants me to like her again. I have a date with a physician, a Uof P grad student who is the most attractive girl I have ever met, another girl who is beautiful and two tentative other dates that are with girls I would date. I am loyal like a puppy even though I know that I should persue other options.

I went to a cocktail party that a gf invited me to. Well it was with another good friend of mines high school friends and the girl who was my date is way too young for me to ever date. I met lots of nice people and have a deff. Date with one girl who is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Of course I don’t know her very well yet so I don’t know if she will continue to be attractive to me. I didn’t approach her because I thought she was too young but it turns out that she is a grad student and 25. She works as a local airline stewardess. She attends U of P and I don’t know how religious she is so we will just have to see. At this point all I know is that physically she could be a model and that we had a great conversation. Unfortunately I am so fucking picky I have to actually get along with them. For some reason I am more attracted to girls who I get along with well no matter their physical appearance.

I have a date this week with two girls I want to meet and I have to set up one with the girl I talked about. Why do I want to hang out with another high maint. Girl?

I just want the stress of finals gone and to move on. The fact is I think about my X still and I don’t know what to do in any situation when it comes to girls.
Monday, December 6th, 2004
2:57 am
life moves on
Well I don’t know what to think. I met a girl and she is great. We have known each other for a few weeks now and have just started to show intrest in each other. I couple of weeks ago she asked for my number and I gave her the wrong # because I didn’t think she would ever call me and I think she is too young for me. It is funny because the person’s (who ever that is) number I wound up giving her keeps calling her and wants to talk to her.

Well I kissed her for the first time today. We started flirting a week ago and last sat we sat next to each other and I initiated body contact but nothing serious. Another friend of ours, also male is more than a little jealous. He called her and text messaged her several times last sat night after we all left. I like him as a friend and I am sorry that he is jealous.

I am really glad that we are moving so slowly. She is 21 and I am 35 in a few days. I have very serious concerns about our age difference, but as I get to know her I think she is mature in a way that only her history allows her. I don’t want a fling I want a gf and I worry that I am accepting something that is doomed from the start just because I want a gf and miss my X. For what ever reason she likes me and is interested in something it is really to early for me to know what that is yet.

It is funny we were sitting next to this man and he asked me if anyone has ever told me that I look like Kevin Bacon. I said I get told that a couple of times a month. I didn’t add that he was the first man to have said it and it creped me out. Valerie told me after she heard him say that to me that when she didn’t know my name she referred to me as the foot loose guy. I think that is really funny for some reason. I think the next time I see her I will ask how she is feeling and if she asks me how I feel I will respond with “kinda foot loose.”

I find it fairly flattering that so many people have told me lately that I look like him and I wonder if the reason my X wanted me to cut my hair this way was to emphasize that look. I guess I will never know.

I guess I have a lot of reservations after my last relationship besides my concerns with our age difference. I question my judgment and don’t really know what to think or how to respond. If I was so wrong before should I trust anything now? Is she too young or am I worrying over nothing.

She is beautiful, her father was Persian and she has black hair with green eyes, light complexion and almost no body hair. She showed a friend her arm today and it had no hair on it at all??
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
2:30 am
new starts
Well isn’t it strange how things work out. The friend I slept with told me she would keep it to herself and that she knew I like her gf. Well she did keep it to herself and the girl I like is showing serious interest. I have known her for about a month and a half and now she acts like she wants to date me. Tonight was fun and we spent some time together almost like we were a couple. She went home and so did I and I am really happy with were we are at.

I am concerned that she is young and wonder about that. But not overly much so because her friend that I also like is older than me it is just that she thinks she is the shit and too good for anyone.

So what the hell I thought A was too young for me and I loved almost every aspect of our relationship now I am starting something with someone who is also young and maybe I will love our relationship just as much in a different way.

A big part of me misses her and wishes we were together again. Another part of me just wants to move on. I miss a lot of things and I just hope that I can find another woman that will fill those voids. She was the first one in my life that I was really open with, I hope that I can achieve that again. I am doubtful of that happening because she is the only one that I have ever felt that way with but who knows maybe it was more of me and less of her than I may think.

The problem is I don’t love this girl and I don’t think I will ever love her. I like her and she is attractive, but maybe it is just that I am still in love with someone else and it will come in time, god I just don’t know. Well I am going to move on if I am completely ready or not at least I am open and willing to accept new things.
Friday, December 3rd, 2004
8:29 pm
Well I haven’t written in awhile so now it is time to do a little update. I moved into and apartment with two girls and it is going well. There are 6 girls here now eating dinner and that is all good.

I am going to go out again tonight I came home to do some laundry but the washer is running so it will be around 10 before I could leave if I do it. I think I will start a load and stay until I can’t stand it anymore. I kinda want to cut my hair and take a shower also.

I got laid wends night and that was great. It was just a friend of mine and neither of use are interested in a relationship with the other. I needed it and that was great so no regrets! I don’t know I am going out tonight and havin some fun with a few friends and I have no idea what we are doing.

I still want to meet a gf. But I suppose that will happen in it’s own time, so far I haven’t really met anyone who made it past the first date.

Finals are soon and I have a shit load of work to do in the next week so I am going to camp out at the coffee shop and study. I feel happy mostly and am looking forward to winter break.
Friday, November 12th, 2004
7:04 pm
Went Private!
Well I deleted my entire journal and I am sort of upset about that. I am going to re-instate it and make everything private. I like posting and I like writing about what I am doing. It is an addiction I guess.

I am going to a cocktail party on sat. night and I get to wear one of my suits. I am excited. This is going to be a lot of fun. So far the RSVP list is 85 people! I am taking a friend who is from Boston and needs to meet people. Well I am not taking them really we are just going to meet there.

Well I have made all of my entries to date private. I am going to keep a private journal and a public one. I was just being a little to open I think and well if anyone who says they will never read my journal again actually does they won’t have much to look at.

I will talk about that more also but there it is in my private journal. See ya kids.

Keith,

PS if anyone was reading this and is interested I might set up another account just let me know I doubt it though because I never had any comments.
Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
11:14 am
An Ending
Well I had a disappointing first date. I guess I am not as excited about Shea as I thought I was. Is this a pattern? She didn’t remind me or my X at all but she didn’t set off any desires either. At the end of the night I just wanted to go home and leave. I am pretty sure she felt the same way.

Well I want to keep riding the momentum that I have right now for meeting girls and setting up dates I just hope that by the time I have dated everyone that I have met at least one person that I want to go out with on a second date. It is wired that life can be so sweet and suck so badly at the same time. Right now I miss my X but I don’t want her back no matter what. She just doesn’t nor has she ever given me a real chance. Things were always so tipped in her favor because I was the only one who wanted us to work.

Well who knows there is always tomorrow with Elizabeth, it would be a pleasant surprise if we get along really well. And of course Wren really likes me I just don’t really like her. God I don’t think I could ever put someone in the shoes I lived in for so long I need to tell Wren good bye.

Well I have had a depressing night and it has only gotten worse. So for now I am going to go to bed and look forward to another day and the opportunities that it may offer.

I said final good-byes to someone I love today and I think that may have affected me more than I wish it did. But from now on I am done. This is the end of my old life and that means my journal also.

This has been really good for me and I have used it to just be here but now I am moving on and leaving the past where it so wants to be. I just can’t make a difference where it really counts so I am going to make my changes and this is just one of them. Thank you for being here when I needed you, but for now at least good bye.

Keith
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
6:52 pm
Endings and new beginnings
Well I am sitting here waiting to hear from Shea. I am sitting here waiting to hear from Emily. Shea called at 6 and is going to make dinner before we go out tonight. Emily called me last night she said she had today off work and we should make a time to meet. Well I called her just now and I have to meet with her before I go out with Elizabeth tomorrow night. That kind of sucks because I have a lab that night until 9:00 pm I am just going to have to cut out early and hope it doesn’t piss off Ben. At least now I have a good lab group in my two classes.

Well I guess I should be excited about my date tonight but I’m not. I think I am going to like Shea and I am attracted to her. It will take awhile yet for me to really let go of my X and I think that is why I am not excited. I am actually a little scared to go. I am not worried about Elizabeth because while she is extremely attractive I didn’t feel like we really hit it off. But who knows any way? All any of these girls are is acquaintances it isn’t like I am involved, I think I want to be involved and that scares me a little but I am not with the person I love so I am confused as well.

I have gone out with 3 different girls but only 1x for each of them. I don’t think I want to see Wren again I will have to let her know what is going on with me by the end of the week. I want a little time to process before I turn her away because she is such a great girl. What am I thinking all girls are great LOL

Well I won’t really have anything new to say until tomorrow so I guess this one will be short. I am horny and going on a date that kinda scares me. I really don’t want to wind up sleeping with this girl tonight. Don’t get me wrong I want sex badly but I am just a little more protective of myself than I used to be. Hell I should just go with the flow and quit worrying about everything.

I am getting a little antsy now and it has only been maybe an hour since she said that she was going to make dinner. I want to go do something that will keep me busy instead of sitting here thinking about it. Well I need to at least do something else so see all of my non-existent fans later. Maybe I should quit here and now. It has been fun but I don’t know. Good-bye journal good bye-X? Maybe both in one day would not be a bad thing.

We’ll see I guess I have started to like this but I don’t know what is the point or reason?
Monday, November 8th, 2004
9:55 pm
Ok I have no idea of what I am doing. I have a date set up with Shea for tomorrow. Yes! And now I have a date set up for Wend. With Elizabeth. I am still not sure if I am going to see Wren again or not I just got off of the phone with her and her grandmother just died. I felt really bad.

I don’t know she reminds me of someone who I don’t need any help remembering. I guess at the end of the next two days I will find out if it is more than her interests or if I need more time than I thought. I am still just going out and having fun so there is no pressure it isn’t like I am involved with any of these girls. Heck this is the first date for all three.

I just can’t get over the fact that for some reason all of these attractive women seem to be interested in me. I am used to being noticed but I shut that off for so long it just seems weird. I wonder if women have been interested in me this entire time and I just chose not to notice. Well thank god that is all over with.

I met up with a buddy of mine tonight and we talked about stupid geek stuff all night it was really fun. Pretty quit night and I feel like it is dead! My life has had so much going on a breather is weird. I am excited about the cocktail party this sat. there is going to be about 70 to 80 guest at Cassy’s house. I asked Shea if she was interested. It is formal I just inquired if I need to get a tux or if a suit if it had to be black? It didn’t specifically say black tie. I am not sure. Plus if she wants to go I have to find a way to introduce them Casy’s requirement is that she has met everyone at least 1x.
cassy was the angel cindy is behind her and amy and story.

http://us.f1f.yahoofs.com/bc/4686ddf7/bc/holloween+pics/cindy+cassy+amy+story.jpg?bffEGkBBZr8cg4hR

have to copy and paste to view I haven't figured out the pic thing yet.

I am not sure who will all be there but I am excited. Cindy looks EXACTLY like Meg Ryan.

Well gotta go for now more of this later.
Sunday, November 7th, 2004
7:44 pm
progress
Well I should feel badly but I don’t. Wren was disappointed today. I kinda regret telling her no. She called and wanted to get together for dinner. I told her I would call her tonight or tomorrow so I could make plans with her and said maybe Fri or Sat. I wasn’t sure when the cocktail party I am going to was, I know now that it is on Friday and she just can’t go. The hostess made it clear that she didn’t want anyone there she has not met at least one time. I could set up a meet and that would be fine but I don’t want to.

Right now she is the only thing I have going on that is known. I have a date with Shea for Tue night but that is really it. God she is good looking. Her eyes were so blue it was like she had blue eyes with blue contacts. Blond hair around shoulder length can’t be sure, 5’3” to 5”5” 110-125 or so, not bony at all just nothing extra, 26 and full of spunk.

Elisabeth is also attractive with dark brown/black hair, 26-28 can’t guess better than that with her, very well educated and pretty kewl. I don’t really think I am interested in her as more than friends because she reacted to me like I bored her a little when I was talking about school. I don’t know I am open but I actually think that Shea and I are going to start dating in the next 3 or 4 weeks. I don’t know why I would go and think that just because I am really attracted to her physically I really don’t know her at all. I talked to her for maybe and hour so far. She is a student and working. I was a little surprised, she said how old do you think I am and I said 26, she said you are right. Maybe she is younger and just didn’t want to tell me but I doubt it, she looks like she is 22 but talking to her I could tell she was older.

What is with all of these girls in their mid twenty’s all of a sudden wanting to meet me and get together. Like that girl who followed me outside to smoke when she doesn’t smoke. Or god I can’t remember her name and she came and sat down with me again today. There is this other girl I have been talking to also. Emily, alice?? She brought her sister with her today. Her sister is really hot and a little older. I guess I am just on the prowl because I am really noticing girls and talking to girls every day now. This moving to SE was a f*%&# great idea!

It rocks here. Well now that I have turned on my old abilities to be social meet and talk to people. Wow that sucked that I had somehow turned that off. Well it is on now I am really starting to see the changes just a few weeks of talking and hanging out have introduced quite a few new people in my life it won’t be long before I have everyone’s # and am doing stuff with them regularly. Well I am going to go for now have fun. A
3:35 pm
Great day yesterday!
Well were to start. I had such a great day yesterday! In the morning I was thinking that my X and I would get to be friends, and I had a lot of old feelings roaring through my veins. I wrote and messed around for awhile and then I finally did something productive, I worked on a little of my homework (not enough), so I went on line and looked for a house with a room. I found a lot and made calls and sent e-mails. I was able to meet with one guy at this fucking awesome house. The one person that I was able to meet showed me around and we talked for over an hour. I think he and I will get along pretty well. Emily was working and I didn’t get to meet with her yet but I saw a picture of her on the fridge and I have talked to her. She works with Elizabeth, the girl who asked me to start calling her instead of e-mail. I don’t know her at all I may have said hi to her once. It just felt good that I wouldn’t be a total stranger. I talk to one other of her co-workers all the time I actually just left yesterday when she came and sat down next to me. God her name starts with a M and I can’t seem to get it. I am really working on the whole name thing now I never really tried before I don’t know why but I want that to really change now.

Well anyway I really want to live in this house with these people. It looks like so much fun. I am really excited about it I should be careful because I don’t know how she will respond yet. The people are kewl but the house just fucking rocks! I have to live there! I don’t know what she will think since I hang out with two of her co-workers or at least am starting to. But she only works there two days a week and I have no idea what she is like at all. I hear she is quit and it takes awhile for her to warm up to people but once she does she is really open and fun.

The hockey game went well. Afterwards we all went to red robin I had water and nacho’s. I still wanted to have fun and it was only around 10 so I went out. I met a really really cute girl I actually met two but only got the # of one. Well actually I just handed her my phone and she put in her name and number. I was sitting with two other guys talking with both of them last night and when I would get up or look around I looked over at her. I just looked and smiled and maintained eye contact for a little longer than just a glance but not so long as to seem overly interested. Well she just walked up to me as I was leaving and planted her self there, it was great.

Well we talked for about a half hour or so and she put her # in my phone. As she was leaving with her two friends she said you better call me since I don’t even have your # because you didn’t give me yours. I said well I will call you right now and then you will have it so I did and we talked for a while as she drove. This morning I woke up and I had a memory of a time my X went and laid on my bed while I was in the other room and talked to one of her friends and I pictured her laying there so clearly. I wished she was there this morning I laid back down in bed and I wanted to call her and tell her of my memory and warm thoughts. I decided to call Shea instead. I left a message for her and I just got off of the phone with her a minute ago. We are going to get together Tuesday eve.

She is a little hottie, and that’s all I really know right now. She seems nice and outgoing and like a person I will get along with. How much do you really know after a hour of talking though. I guess right now we are both interested so that is really good. She isn’t a hippie!!! I like Wren but that was just too much, it would have been torcher being more than friends with her because she had so many similar interests as my X. She is attractive and really sweet and nice and there is a definite interest but I just can’t go there with her it is tempting because I know she wants to but I could only offer her a occasional physical experience I don’t think I could learn real attraction for her. I guess I just think that is to unfair at this point.

Plus I have met four girls in the last week who want to get to know me with prospects. I think Shea may make the cut. Elizabeth, Shea and the M girl are all drop dead beautiful. Plus I forgot about this other woman I have talked with she is here now and sitting across the room with a friend but she has looked my way was and smiled it is nice to meet and get to know all of these people.


I am really enjoying being social again. It is just so much fun to talk to and get to know so many different people. I want to date again I haven’t slept with any one since my X. I wand to experience that also, I just don’t know when I will be ready for that I can’t just sleep with someone that I am not available to. I used to do that but I don’t want to now at all.

It is a little weird Wren has so many common interests with my X that I can’t even think about being physical with her because all I did was think about my X. I hope that doesn’t happen with anyone else. I don’t know I have just met so many attractive interesting women lately.

It is so different than my life has been. I don’t know what was causing me to be so isolated but whatever it was is gone now. Not just in the group that I joined either I am meeting people everywhere and making friends that call me daily. I just got off of the phone with Wren, and she wanted to go out to dinner tonight. She wants to sleep with me and I am almost certain that I could tonight if I wanted to. I would worry that I would just hurt her feelings because I don’t want to really even hang out with her because of what I think about when I am with her.

I have a date with Shea for Tuesday and I called Elizabeth and asked her to call me. I think Shea and I will turn into something but like I said I don’t know her at all yet. I do want to sleep with her right now though and that is a big plus cause I think she wants to or will soon.

This is just such a great time for me. I have put things out there and they have really been responded to well. It is so nice.
Saturday, November 6th, 2004
11:39 am
finally todays post I think the last two are in reverse order
Well life’s little twists and turns are interesting sometimes. I had a really tough couple of days. I still haven’t the courage to read the rest of that post. I feel whole now at least. I am at peace now. I still love her I still would love to have her involved in my life and I don’t see how anything is really going to change that.

I am at peace because I accept that she will never want what I want and that is ok, I am perfectly happy to just let her decide and just be happy with that. I have told her this yet again. I thought she should hear it after I read what she wrote.

Elizabeth e-mailed me. She wants to meet tonight and I already have plans. Wow I don’t have to email her now she just walked in. That went nice she just asked me to call her because her internet is not very good. So I guess I will start calling. I have really avoided calling any of the people that I know as of yet. A phone call is so much more personal than an e-mail.

Yet another area I need to work on I just didn’t think I was ready yet, I like that I am being maneuvered into this, helps me not procrastinate. This is really kewl I said hi to this girl sitting next to me and we have been talking off and on since I got here. She is interesting. For so long I would come here and not talk to people and wonder what I was doing wrong. Now when I come here I talk to people all the time. I am meeting people all of the time. There is another girl nearby who is obviously studying A&P. I just talked to her. Wow there she is again I remember the first time I went to her house she was learning bones in A&P. What a great memory.

So here I sit I am attracted to the girl who is not talking to me and sitting next to the girl who is. I think she just peed on my leg when I started talking to the other girl she interjected and got my attention for long enough for the other woman to quit talking to me. I want to start talking to the other girl also and I don’t think it is going to happen. Bummer, well who know I can make this work. I can be creative. God I am so different today than I was a week ago. Well I guess not that different. Kinda though I am just horny the girl I am talking with is a hippie and I don’t think I could be attracted to another hippy for a long long time. That sucks because I have always been attracted to hippies even if I have only dated 3 or 4.

God knows it is all just a little fantasy I have any way I like to pretend that I could actually do something more than just hang out with any girl right now. I am just not ready to do more than talk yet. But that is good because I don’t know anyone well enough yet any way. Wow Emily went outside with me while I smoked a cigarette even though she doesn’t smoke. She is studying something really interesting that I want to look into a little bit. Well I need to post this now and get to work studying I guess even if I don’t want to time is wasting away now between talking with Emily and looking at the beautiful girl sitting in front of me.
10:17 am
I wrote this last week
There is this girl in my classes that is 19. She has been really friendly with me lately and sits next to me and talks to me. It has been becoming more frequent on a daily basis. Today she put her arm around me and later hugged me. She has brought up sleeping with me. I told her that I was way too old for her and her response was that just to sleep together it wasn’t so bad of an age difference.

There is no way I could sleep with a girl who is 19 years old and I basically work with. I don’t know if I should take her offers seriously and avoid her or if she is just being playful. I want to think it is just play but I don‘t think someone would be playful like that if they weren’t at some level willing to consider it. All I can think about is what a mess it would be if I said yes for the fun of it all. I would never hear the end of it from my other classmates. Plus everyone would think I was a total pervert. Well I am a pervert but I don’t necessarily want my class mates to know that.

I responded by telling her about my date tomorrow.

Tonight I went out with a bunch of people and I talked to a girl who I was with last Sat. when I met Wren. She gave me some shit as is expected from friends. But she told me she thinks Wren is 20 or 22. I guessed 24-27. She went to college but I don’t know if she has a degree or not, I only know she is no longer a student. I don’t want to start liking someone who is that young. Should I set a limit on age for who I can and can’t date besides what is legal? I have to relate to and be able to converse with someone in order to be attracted to them. Is that enough? Maybe I am worrying about nothing. I guess I should address this after I find out how we do tomorrow and how old she really is. My real worry is that my last relationship failed and I at first and during thought that a lot of our difficulties were due to our age difference. She was 25. So should I set an age limit??? Wren is attractive but not a knock-out. I wasn’t attracted to my X until after our first date though either. For some reason I develop physical attraction after I decide I like someone on a metal or emotional level as far as I can see my X is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

I only invited my X on our first date because I wanted a date and I knew she would go. But from the time she showed up until the time she left my attraction to her grew exponentially. Her intelligence, ability to commit (it turns out to anything but me), openness, honesty, and desire to help people in need really drew me in.

Should I now mark these as warning traits? Should I be wary of false pretext?

This is just another example of my over analytical mind. I don’t even know if I like Wren and I am worrying about what I should do if I do like her. I don’t know her age if we will like each other if we get along or any thing else and I am already hypotheticalizing (my new word for the day, I invented it) worse case scenarios. I wish I could just turn off half of my analytical mind. It causes me so much fucking unnecessary grief. I am going to go and enjoy myself tomorrow if we become friends, lovers or what ever it doesn’t matter I am going because I want to meet people and just enjoy life.

I am still so wound up like a tight spring from my X that I don’t know what to do. Fuck all I used to do is take out my boat and play on the river. Now I sit and worry about stupid shit that doesn’t even matter and I have no way of knowing. I wish I was somewhere in the middle and not on the extreme ends of the scale. I want back my piece of mind and enjoyment of life. I want to retain my desire to be social and enjoy giving to others. And I really want a regular sex life I am so fucking horny now I don’t know what to do or think. Maybe this is just all my hormones fuck I went from having regular sex to nothing and I am going nuts. Maybe I should just get laid and see if my attitude changes. At this point I don’t have a clue what is right or wrong. Well except I am not going to sleep with the girl in my class.

The girl I talked to tonight made it pretty clear when she left that she liked me. Her only clue was at the end of the night when she left she put her finger tip on my cheek and pushed in a dimple and said “you like me.” I sensed she didn’t like my interactions with Wren that night but I didn’t know why. I sensed she didn’t like hearing about our date tonight. But I like her as a friend and she is really kwel but I am not attracted to her at all and I do not feel any chemistry. Well maybe I am guessing more than I should there also fuck I just don’t know anymore I have been so wrong in the recent past that I don’t trust myself with anything any more.

God I want to call my X and it is 3 am and I can’t turn off my mind. I want her input and advice. I want her to come sleep with me make love and wake-up feeling loved. I want her company without our baggage. I want I want I want. I think now is a good time to go to sleep and let life just run its course. The fact is I still love her. I wish I didn’t but I do and I don’t know what to do with that.
10:08 am
a little late but here it is I saved in on my pute
Well were to start. My X read my post about my weekend and concert date. Right after she told me that she would never read my livejournal again. I only put in that post after she told me she never wanted to date me again and never would read my journal. She has made it very clear that she would never revisit our relationship. I have made it clear that I wished she would. I still love her and even though we had difficulties and major communication issues I think our love and enjoyment of each other were enough for us to work thru this stuff.

Well I feel badly that she read my post and it hurt her feelings. I guess I should say she called me and told me. I don’t want to be deceptive so if she wanted to know I would have told her even thought I didn’t want to. I think that is the reason I put all of that stuff in the post to begin with. Not to hurt her, I just think hiding it would be deceptive. A part of me still doesn’t want to believe that we are really over forever and I worry that this will ruin any small chance that I may have had.

I can’t just not live my life and not do what is right for me because I want to believe in something that is a fantasy (us getting back together). I think we should date again and work stuff out. She says NO WAY EVER! I guess the term she has used several terms is irreparable damage. To me that means NO WAY EVER! I want her to be my girlfriend. If she doesn’t want that I guess if I want a girl friend I had better be available. I am not ready to start dating right now but I do want to start meeting and going out with girls I find attractive and interesting so that I can get to know them better and maybe by the time I do want to date I will know them well enough to decide if they are something I am looking for. Right now it is more about friends than anything. ARRRRGGGGGGGGGG………..I feel just like Charlie Brown every time Lucy pulls the football out when he goes for a kick and winds up yelling as he sails thru the air down field. I have felt that way about so many things in my and her relationship. I never understand what it is she needs and wants I try so hard to do the right thing and somehow I have almost always gotten it wrong. I have been constantly disappointed with myself for this failure. Now we are over and I still feel the same exact way because I want us not to be over.

Well the only option I see that I have is to move on and live my life. I can’t control her choices but I can make my life better even if I don’t get what I want. So I have been going out and meeting kewl people and making dates to go have fun. Tonight was a total blast and I am really glad I went.

We saw Melissa Ferrick and I had never even heard of her. Not really a surprise she is from Canada and is a lesbian, and that is her main group of listeners. Excellent performance and music! I am going to go buy some of her cd’s now. There were only a few men in the audience. God what a drag I was in a room full of attractive women and they were only interested in other women. I really am glad that Wren invited me and I understand why she was surprised that I would go but I am so glad that I did.

We met for dinner because she was hungry; I had already eaten, but we were able to talk for awhile before the show started. It is such a trip I wish I was dating my X because she would really like this girl. They have so much in common that I would be scared as hell to date her because she would only remind me of the past. She is a counselor for kids who are in foster homes, takes dance and yoga and relates both to a spiritual experience she talks about energy of people and all that stuff she is going to Brietenbush for the day. It kind of creped me out that I was seeking out friends who would remind me so much of my X. I kept thinking god they would hit it off I wish I could introduce them.

Well I guess my X contacted live journal and somehow made it really hard for her to read my journal. I hope they didn’t mess with my journal to do this. But I guess it doesn’t really matter because no one reads this anyway it isn’t like I have any friends on this and I refuse to tell anyone my nick name so it would be tough to find out any way. But I did have a post and I can’t post it now just in case.

I am so fucked up in the head I just wanted to rush out an get this artist cd’s so I could make a copy and send it to my X. I wanted to dedicate several of the songs to her and my memories. I wish for the night that she could have spent the time inside my mind listening to my thoughts. I don’t know how she could want what she does if she knew what went on in my head and not just tonight but any time while we were dating.

Well I don’t really have anything else to share I just had a great nigh and I like Wren she is the same person I thought she was I told her I would e-mail her or call her soon. I want to go out with her again. She is from Main and has some friends but does a lot of stuff by herself. She is really open to us hanging out. It was so fun and nothing that I would have ever planned on my own. I love music but I haven’t been to a concert for so many years I can’t tell or people will wonder if I am 50 or 60 years old LOL. Plus the main performer was great even if all her songs reminded me of a recent loss.

Now should I call my X and tell her or just let it go…..

Well I have lots of plans this week and I had a great time tonight. I think that this will only grow. I miss her and that is normal. I am just going to make the best of life that I can.
Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
11:53 am
Life
Well I am in a weird space. My X called me last night and was upset and crying. I love her but things between us are over and that is how it is. I will always be her friend and she can always call me but my emotional state isn’t going to be constantly whipped around. We were so bad for each other. Our entire relationship was an emotional rollercoaster of the size and degree that would kill people. I have just not been able to get off of that ride. I responded so powerfully to things she did and said to me almost daily. I am not going to miss that at all. I guess I will find out sooner or later if it was her and I or me.

I want to date again I want the benefits of a relationship in my life. I have met a lot of new people and I am starting to develop friendships with some of them. I don’t know when or if I will date again. I am single fair looking and a few other things I suppose. I am meeting Wren to go listen to some folk singer Thursday at the Aladdin and I have plans to go out with a bunch of people after lab tonight. I have plans for all day Saturday and I met another kewl person last night and got her # and email. I didn’t ask she offered and gave it to me. She is attractive but I didn’t feel attracted to her and I don’t think she did either. We talked and have some things in common. I don’t think she and I would ever be more than basic friends (meaning not great friends). But I want to call her and do stuff sometime.

Wren on the other hand I really think I want to be good friends with her. More than that----I don’t know---I am not going to jump into anything after my last experience. I need to have a better idea of who the person is and what they are like before I will trust them with any feelings. I don’t even know what she thinks of me except that she answered my email.
--- Keith wrote: (I sent this Monday)
---------------------------------
Well I tried to write this yesterday but every time I
hit send my pute froze. So either you have gotten 2
other e-mails or mor likely they were lost in syber. I
think I finally have fixed my pute though so maybe it
will work now.

It was really great meeting you at the party Sat. I
really enjoyed talking to you and would really like it
if you would go out to coffee and hang out with me for
a while sometime soon. I have your # but I figured I
would try the e-mail thing and see if you are
interested.

My phone # is 971-998-4184.

I live in the Hawthorn district.

Have a great day and I hope to hear from you soon, it
was really great meeting you.


Keith
hah, it's a good thing you emailed me. I actually
tried calling you last night, but I had written your
telephone # down wrong and I was so disappointed,
especially because I had said that I would call.
hmmmm, how funny. well, I can be free tonight,
probably after 8, or tommorrow after 8. I'll give you
a call, wren

I just cut and pasted that from her response so there it is you know all that I do. Plus my earlier comments about meeting her. I wrote that post so many times I don’t know which one made it. All I know is when I met her I felt a connection instantly. I really hope we turn out to be good friends at least. I don‘t know yet any more than that. I want a relationship but I don’t know that I want it to be with her or anyone yet. I guess that is kinda normal huh it isn’t like we are going to go out tomorrow and be in a relationship. And if for some reason we were then obviously she will turn out to be and incredible girl.

You know everything is working out for me just fine. The end of my relations with my X has really helped me in a lot of areas. I am making friends I have a date with a great girl. I tent to over think things and I think this is a perfect example of me doing just that.

I am going I hope I like her company as much as I did Saturday and I hope she enjoys mine just as much as I do hers. I hope we both enjoy the music and I hope we make plans to do something else sometime. I don’t have any expectations only curiosity. You know I have met a lot of attractive girls that I have talked to and like. I want a relationship again sometime but I don’t think that I am ready to start one yet or I would be doing more to make that happen.

I hope I see that girl who goes to PCC again because I want to ask for her # we talked for a couple of hours and had to stop because we needed to study. It would be nice to go hang out with her and talk more also. Right now I just want to make friends and get to know people. This is a great thing and I am making progress with this area of my life.

Well enough rambling for right now.
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